This is called “Demons”
There’s so much I want to say about this, but I have no idea where to start. I did a lot of self reflection on this past year and the changes I saw in myself. I spent a big chunk of this year trying to save and nurture something that was far gone. Some days I’m not even sure if it was there to begin with. There were so many times I stepped away and just hated myself because I knew that there was nothing I could do to fix it…but I tried anyway! I tried so hard. It’s like seeing your heart broken, and taking a hammer and breaking it down until there’s nothing left to smash. But why?! Why did I do that?! I honestly have no idea. I created so many demons in the process. I find myself not trusting anyone to do something as simple as keeping their word when they make plans with me. I think I do it as a cushion…so that it doesn’t hurt as bad if they were to let me down. It’s like I’m waiting for it…I’m waiting to be ignored, or abandoned. Sometimes I wonder if I didn’t fight as hard as I did for something so dead, would I be this way now? Is there going to be a day I let something new grow? Or have I poisoned my heart too badly to be fixed?
This is why you don’t date artist.
This is the first drawing I finished after I came out of my rut.
I couldn’t draw for months and I think I understand now why I couldn’t. And the main reason is because I didn’t want to. When I draw, I relive everything that makes me hurt and I channel it into my pen and pencils. I could be drawing a damn turtle and it’ll probably be generated from feelings of pain. I think that I felt so much that I didn’t want to amplify it through drawing. So I took this really long break. It wasn’t until after I finished this that I realized that even though I feel things more deeply when I draw, it also helps me heal. It has always helped me heal. No amount of therapy or “talking about it” has helped me gather clarity as much as creating does.
Today at work a lady asked me if I worked there.
I looked down at the cart of stuff I was putting away.
I looked over at all my cleaning supplies.
I looked down at my red and khaki.
I looked down at my name tag.
And for a slight second I was confused as to who I was…where was I? What day is it even? Did I really work there?
No shit, lady.
I used pen, watercolor and a little bit of marker to create this magnificent grumpy cat
Heart on my sleeve, stitching myself together again.
I made this with my lovely pens, colored pencils and some red markers. The picture I drew this from is by a remarkable photographer named Rachel Baran. I knew when I saw it that I had to draw it.
I notice everything. And by everything, I literally mean everything. I notice when someone stops texting me like they used to. I notice when the way someone talks to me starts changing. I notice the little things that people do, and the little things they used to do. I notice when things change, and when it’s no longer the same. I notice every single little detail. I just don’t say anything.
Newest one! At work I got the Top Performer award (two months in a row, woohoo!) so I got to choose something under 15 bucks. Naturally I chose markers….50 MARKERS…holy buckets, I love markers. It’s not as clean as colored pencils, but it’s fast!
A few months ago I drew a heart that was inspired by a poem that read “I am afraid of being completely unraveled by you, and you finding nothing you want in here.” This is sort of the sequel to that. The rose petals are suppose to represent letting your guard down, unraveling, and the rest represents how disappointed you end up being after it is all said and done.
DONE! I finished this last night. I swear I have like 15 different copies lying around my room. I’m still not entirely happy with it, BUT IT IS DONE. I’m never going to draw another heart again.
Anyway, this was inspired by the song Feels So Real by Eden’s Edge. I’ve had this song playing nonstop for the past 3 weeks. It’s about not being able to get over someone. Just when you think you’re over that person you see something or hear something that reminds you of them and all those feelings just come flooding back to you.
You won’t even believe the amount of times I’ve started over with this drawing. My head hurts. This is probably one of my favorite things I’ve worked on this month though
Recently had my heartbroken. Again. When will I ever learn. This is basically how I’ve spent my days these past few weeks…make the sad feelings stop
My scanner broke, so I’ll have to update through iPhone photos. This is what I’ve been working on tonight…
Finished this tonight!
I’m just going to spill all my feelings out on my art blog since no one visits this anyway.
This is suppose to be based off the line “I stare at the phone, he still hasn’t called and then you feel so low you can’t feel nothing at all.”
If you know me at all you’d know that I despise relationships. I’ve lost track of the amount of times that I had to give the “I’m sorry, I see you as just a friend” speech. All of them amazing gentlemen, I might add. So it’s no wonder that when I do find someone I like—I give it my all. Or as much of myself as I can. These past few months I found someone who, for the first time, made me fearlessly jump. I opened up to him a lot more than I ever have and that’s because he took the time to get to know me. For a bit it felt like I had gotten it right this time. It was finally my turn to be some shade of happy. But I don’t even know what is happening right now. This is feeling like all those times before and it absolutely sucks. I keep raking my mind trying to figure out whether it was something I did or said to make him stop acting like himself. I guess I am just so confused right now and that’s what this drawing was based on. How can something go from being so beautifully orchestrated to vomit in such a short period of time?